Hi. I’m “The-Girl-Who-Will-Fill-Your-Time-Until-You-Meet-Your-REAL-Wife.”

My love life can be summed up in the following lines:

I meet a new guy friend. He’s got a smile that really does make my knees go weak. He talks to me, he makes me laugh. He tells me his dreams, his goals, and how much he loves Jesus. He tells me he thinks I’m pretty. We go places together, and I really like riding next to him in his car. I feel safe when I’m around him, or when I’m talking to him. I believe that he won’t hurt me like the others before him. We might hold hands, or, in one particular case — we might talk about holding hands and kissing. He becomes my best friend, and I want to make him happy. I can see him being in my life for a long time. I can imagine having children with him; being his best friend and wife.

And then — it has never failed yet — I realize that he doesn’t feel anything like that for me. I’m just filling a small, insignificant void in his life for the time being. I’ve never been considered good enough to “take the plunge” with. It makes me feel ugly. It makes me feel unattractive physically, and spiritually, too. There’s always someone better than me, according to these men I’ve fallen for; someone more beautiful, someone smarter. Someone more in love with Jesus. I kind of feel like I’m being chipped away at. Like there’s not much left to give. This last one was the hardest. I ended up giving way more than I ever have. I think subconsciously, I thought it would make him love me more. But it didn’t, of course. I knew that in my heart. I didn’t want to lose him. But like all the others, he’s fallen for someone else. And I’ve got to move on.

I’ve been heartbroken before, but I really think this takes the cake. I’m truly, truly an idiot.

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